Do you know how much I cant stand this shit anymore? Studies, academics, results. I am so sick and tired of living like this. My life does not revolve around studies and grades, I choose what i want to excel in. Cant you just STOP, for once, and let me do what I love doing? You say that netball can take you no where, that I should study hard and get good grades to be able to grow up and get a good job. Studies, studies, studies. Yeah, that might be what your life is about, but guess what, NOT MINE. what if i want to do something regarding netball when i grow up? what if i dont like nush at all? Sure, I want to be smart. Yes, I want to maintain my CAP and get above 4.5 this sem. And yes, I have already got good grades for the past 3 semesters, 4.18, 4.61, 4.34. But still, stop telling me to revise everyday, and to study whenever i'm not doing anything. I'm not some goddamnned superwoman who can mug my ass off every single minute and get a 5.0 CAP, okay? I think that my results are good enough and maybe, I want to do this my way from now on. Netball, cant you be proud of me, for once? I cant stand it that you praise shiyu so much more than me. I keep trying ot improve myself, maybe I'm not good enough?! "oh gosh shini, did you notice that shiyu's singing has improved alot since she started vocal lessons? Isn't her singing just wonderful now?" "oh good job shiyu! it's good that you improved alot, keep it up! im proud of you." wow. totally awesome man. "shini, if you dont get an A for your math test, I'm not letting you go out." "Stop playing so much netball, you have to focus on your studies." "shini, can you be more responsible?" "shini, if i see your grades deproving, i'm taking you out of the national team immediately." DO NOT, threaten me like that. I do not care, I really do not give a damn about what you say, because I will not let anything get in my way for what i want to achieve. Sometimes, not everything is about studies. I've given up breaks, free periods, just to study, to finish up all my homework. I try to tell you that I've studied, but you won't believe me. And dont you go putting the blame on netball. You just don't understand me at all. I try to do well and do my best in everything I do, I really am, can you stop complaining for once? And stop critisizing me. "shini you are so rude to your friends, can you dont be so dao?" CAN YOU stop interfering in what i do? Yes, I am dao. There are reasons. I wasnt dao at all previously, but you know what, because of some idiots out there who called themselves my friends, I changed. Try putting yourself in my shoes, will you? To you netball might be some crap shit game which i just play for fun, but NO. It's the most important game in my life and if you cant live with it, then dont. Do you know how hard I've worked just to get how far i've come? all the studying for acads, all the trainings for netball. Don't I deserve at least a "well done, shini." from you since im already getting a "omg she's in national team now?! what a snob." from my 'friends'? Do you even know how I feel? No, you don't. You think you do, but you dont have a clue. Lots of people judge me, maybe because of how i look, maybe because of what i've achieved, I dont know and I dont freaking care anymore. you know what, you never care about what i want, how i feel and what i want to do. I could really use some support, please? It's like no one is there for me anymore. And i couldnt do shit about it. You know what? I couldnt care less anymore.
I will do this, for myself and no one else.
I will push myself, no matter how hard it is.
I will not let anything or anyone get in my way.
I will not be affected by excuses.
I will focus.
I will be disciplined.
I will not falter in my goals and dreams.
I will not be the one trailing behind.
I will train, harder.
I will keep on trying even if i fail.
I will accomplish whatever i want to do.
I will experience my goals coming true.
I will fight on.
I will not be a bench warmer no more.
For the game i play, for the game i love, for myself.
You smile, I smile, whoa.
5:21 PM
Saturday, August 8, 2009